The Lonely INFJ…


Are INFJs just lonely souls lost between reality and dreams?

I don’t presume to speak for all of us, but we do seem to go through a lot of the same things…or as most of the world would say, we have “issues”.  We walk a lonely path most days, that’s for sure!

Feeling lonely is hard. I’ve felt lonely more times than I care to remember. Some days I want to be out in the world socializing and other days I want to hide away at home. If I become intensely lonely I’ll reach out to a few trusted friends and it does help me feel better to talk about how I feel. The problem is, as much as they care and try to understand how I feel, they don’t get me. Try as they might, they never will. I’ve learned to accept it.

I long to make a connection with someone…someone who understands me. I’ve met many interesting, kind, funny, intelligent, caring people but usually the moment comes when I realize they don’t understand me. IF I decide to show them a small part of who I really am…my different, sincere, quirky side they can become unresponsive or they tolerate it. I realize they aren’t going to be the friend I had hoped they’d be and the alienation and lonliness floods back in. I’ve learned to hold that side of myself back from a lot of people. I don’t know if it’s a failure on my part or that people just can’t relate to me.

In the past month I’ve been told by two close friends that “other people just don’t think like you do” (in regards to a certain man I talk to occasionally and just life in general). That’s the truth and I know it! Others don’t think and feel the same way as I do. I’m willing to do things and go the distance where others aren’t, and they don’t react in the same way as I do because I always feel more…more than I should and I know it.

I have moments where I think “what’s wrong with me”. What is it about me that turns people away? Is it all in my head? Am I being unreasonable in not getting the response from them that I want? Am I too weird, sensitive, intense, serious, boring, hard to understand? Now, not only am I lonely, but I’m insecure.

I know I spend a lot of time inside my head and overthink every little thing that crosses my mind. When I get this way I try to get out and interact with others, but it’s hard because I always have to hide a part of myself, the part that makes me, me. Putting myself in that situation can make me feel even lonlier than I did before. It’s a very lonely feeling that those you care about most don’t understand you and they never really will.

We all yearn for a deep, touch your soul kind of relationship and those are difficult to find regardless of your personality type. 

I know I take thing way too seriously, but I’ve never been a “live in the moment” kind of girl. As hard as I try, I can’t go with the flow and I overthink and over analyze things and situations. I want all the answers even though I know I’ll never get them. We don’t react the same way as other people do and we feel things differently as well.

I was told by my boss not long ago during my evaluation that out of all her employees I was the only one she couldn’t get a read on and figure out. She actually thought I didn’t like her. (I do by the way) Why would she think she could figure me out when I haven’t accomplished it myself! I jokingly told her when she figured me out to let me in on it. She must have thought it was funny because I received a glowing evaluation. 

Anyone who’s an INFJ could answer this for her though. We’re guarded on purpose. We have to be. We want more than anything to be understood, but it rarely happens. The times we’ve opened up to the wrong people is a brutal reminder to keep most things to ourselves.

Dating and meeting new people in regards to romance is a topic in itself! It’s hard enough, but for INFJs, or this one anyway, it’s devastating when you think you’ve made a connection with someone and it doesn’t go anywhere or fizzles out. Maybe it has nothing to do with my personality type. Maybe I’m just meeting the wrong people…people who’s intentions aren’t as sincere as mine. Trust me…I haven’t even begun to show them who I am so if the little I do show them causes them distress, it’s best they run as fast as they can. The sooner the better for both our sakes. Can we say overthinking and insecure again?!

As much as I’d like to be antisocial and just go off and live in a cave most days, I can’t because I crave human connections. I don’t always fit in and I’m at peace with that. We have gifts and talents that are needed to help others. Even though people hurt us and use us, overall we do make a difference…WE DO COUNT! Most people won’t miss us until we’re gone and I hate to say this, but once we’re gone, there’s no coming back, it’s too late. Whether it’s the infamous INFJ door slam or deciding to keep those people in our lives yet hiding our true selves from them to make them comfortable….we know.

Being lonely and the deafening silence that surrounds that lonliness is for me, one of the bad things about being an INFJ, but as I said above…we do count. We have many other great qualities that make us the unique individuals that we are. 

All that aside, for once in our lives thanks to blogs and the internet, WE ARE NOT ALONE! We have each other right here to talk to. It’s not the same as physical contact, but it sure makes me feel a little less lonely!
K❤️

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Memories…

Do you remember the first time you stood on the beach and saw nothing but the ocean extending to the horizon and the waves crashing before you?

Do you remember the first time you saw the mountains rise from a distance and how they seemed to go on forever?

Do you remember your first day of school and not wanting to let go of your mother’s hand? Your last day of school and the excitement of going out into the world for the first time on your own?

Do you remember your first crush? Your first kiss? The first time you fell in love? The first time your heart was broken? The first time you broke someone else’s heart? 

Do you remember the first time you found out you were expecting a child? The first time you heard the baby’s heartbeat? The first ultrasound? The first kick? Seeing your baby for the first time and holding it? Hearing your child’s first cry? The first time they crawled and walked? Hearing their first word?

Do you remember your parents being your heros? Remember a time when they knew everything and then for a season they knew nothing at all? Do you remember the first time you realized how much they really loved you..unconditionally? How much they had done for you and sacrificed for you? Do you remember the first time you realized they wouldn’t be with you forever? Watching them get sick and weak? Watching them take their last breath?

There’s so much emphasis on memories, both good and bad that make us who we are. I love to remember and stay awhile inside my yesterdays. Of course it’s not good to stay there too long or we miss out on the present.

Everything and everyone in your life was once a “first time”.

Today I challenge you to appreciate and see everything and everyone you encounter as is it were the first time.

Really look at that sunrise or sunset. Listen to your children as if it were the first time you heard them speak. See the world around you as if it were the first time. Your home. Your neighborhood. The trees. The birds singing. Your pets. Your parents. Your friends. 

Oh, and don’t forget yourself! Really look at yourself and see who you are, inside and out. Forget the mistakes and heartache. The disappointments. Even the bad experiences and choices have made you who you are. Let it all go and see yourself… not only for who you are now, but for who you can become.

K❤

Another Year Older…

The day is almost over and I’m another year older, a little bit wiser, and very grateful.

It’s ironic that as children we can’t wait to get older and as adults we wish we could be free of all the responsibilities we have and slow down the clock. One piece of advice I would give to teens and young adults is this…don’t wish your lives away. Enjoy every moment because you won’t get them back.

Yes, my hair is getting gray, but I have a good hairdresser. She’s also a great person and good friend and that helps because I have to visit her more often than I once did.

I’m getting a few wrinkles around my eyes. Yes, they’re signs of aging, but also proof that I’ve laughed and cried. The laughter and tears have both helped me find a balance in life. 

One of the things I’ve worked on this past year is to not spend time worrying about things I can’t change…with myself and with others. I think I’ve made progress. It’s helped me find time for more laughter and not worrying about what others think of me. 

I am me and I am enough. On this birthday I vow to to be happy and feel joy as often as I can and to find it in all the little things we tend to take for granted. Tomorrows are what birthdays are about and I’m going to collect as many good memories as I can. 

I’m reminded of a few quotes as I close…

There is no expiration date on fabulous.

You are never too old to set another goal or to dream a new dream. C.S. Lewis

God didn’t promise: days without pain, laughter without sorrow, nor sun without rain, but he did promise: strength for the day, comfort for the tears, and light for the way.

Happy birthday to me…


Life In The Single Lane (2)…

I’m single. Don’t pity me. I’m not lonely. I choose to be single for now. It’s what I want.

Chances are if you chose to read this, you are single too. I’m enjoying my life very much right now and I’m not looking for a relationship. That confuses some people and I can see the pity in their eyes and hear it in their voices when they ask if I’m seeing anyone and I say no. 

I’ve never understood why some people think that happiness equals being in a relationship. I was married for sixteen years and wasn’t happy. In all fairness we had a few good years, but overall they were few and far between. I may feel lonely at times now, but I felt lonelier when I was married. 

I know people who jump from one relationship to another because they don’t want to be alone. I don’t get it. I’m not judging them for it and I even understand to a certain point, but I’m not wired that way. I’m introverted and for me, being alone at times isn’t a negative thing….I need it.

Being single can get lonely sometimes. I don’t go out on dates often, but I will go if I find the guy interesting. I won’t go just for the sake of having a date. Dating isn’t a priority. I’d much rather spend time with my daughter and my friends anyway. We always have fun!

Being single doesn’t scare me. It’s my chance to explore, take on new adventures, try new things, and make new memories. A chance to find what it is that I like. I’m no expert, but here a few ideas I thought I’d share….

Catch a plane to anywhere or get in the car and just go!

If you don’t have a friend to go with you, don’t let it stop you. It’s exciting to travel alone. You learn so much about the world and yourself. 

Treat yourself to a gift once in a while.

Don’t wait for someone else to do it for you. Get the new dress or shoes you’ve been wanting and pack them when you go on those trips we were talking about. Find something you like and get it.

Take yourself out.

Go to a movie. Go to dinner. Go to a concert. Go for a walk on the beach. Go to a farmer’s market. Do whatever it is you like to do. I’m not intimidated to go out alone anymore. Give it a try. 

Talk to yourself.

Not in public, but when you’re alone. It’s not weird. You know you do it anyway and it’s perfectly ok to do so. Who knows better than you what you need to hear…so go ahead and give yourself a pep talk.

Flirt.

Go out there and be as flirty as you want. Bat your eyes. Bite your lip. Flip your hair. Strut. I’m not good at flirting. A friend tried to teach me once and gave up! I did master the hair flip though. Flirting may be one of those things you either have or ya don’t, but it never hurts to try. What’s the worst that could happen? Someone might just think your awkwardness is adorable!

Read a good book.

Escape reality for awhile. 

Start a journal.

…or a blog! 

Experiment.

Try new things. Explore new hobbies. Go to a painting workshop. Take a cooking class. Volunteer or do some charity work. The opportunities are endless.

Keep your head up and smile.

Being single isn’t something to be ashamed of or pitied for. It’s the perfect time to figure out who you are and what you want out of life. We are responsible for our own happiness and I’m working very hard to accomplish that. I don’t want to be alone forever, but right now it’s exactly what I need. 

To be continued…

Your Past Does Not Define You…

A blogger friend left a comment regarding my 3 day quote challenge. They thought it would be interesting for me to pick a few quotes and blog about my reflections on those quotes. I’ve had writer’s block lately so I thought it was a fabulous idea.

I’m terrible at making decisions…it takes me forever. I recently joked to a friend that I should run for President and she replied, “No. You only have four years to make a decision”! 

Due to my decision making skills, I asked in the Community Pool forum for other bloggers to choose their favorite quotes from my post. Below is one of the winners…

We all have a past. There are good times and bad. We tend to focus on the bad things in our past and often times are filled with regret. Regret for things we did or did not do. Regret for things we said or did not say. 

We have all wished at one time or another that we had a rewind button. Yet at the same time those regrets/mistakes have made us into the people we are today. We learned lessons from the things we regret that we wouldn’t have learned otherwise. That’s how life works. 

Is there something you regret? Yes. Would you go back and do it again? Probably. Why? Because right or wrong, it’s what you thought you needed at the time.

I’m reminded of another quote while I’m writing this. We are all free to choose, but we are not free from the consequences of those choices. That’s where our lessons in life come from. 

We all have different ways to deal with our mistakes and regrets. There are people who don’t even get knocked down by them. They just walk away and move on. They don’t need to “feel” anything or figure it out. 

Then there are people like myself. We get knocked down and stay down for a bit. We need time to feel the emotions and try to figure out where we went wrong and why. Some might call it a “pity party”, but it’s not. It’s just how we’re made…to feel and to try and make sense of it all. We don’t stay down for long tho’. We may get knocked down, but we always get back up, brush ourselves off, and move forward. It just takes us a little longer than others and that’s okay. (Do my fellow INFJs agree?)

Some folks get knocked down in life and can’t get back up on their feet. Get back up and fight for yourself and do what you need to, to move on. It’s okay to take the time you need, but try to move forward even if you have to ask for help to do so. Just breathe. Take it a day at a time and it won’t seem so overwhelming. I promise you’ll look back one day and say, “I don’t know how I made it, but I did”!

Your past does not define you. Your mistakes and regrets do not define you. You learn from them and they make you who you are today. You’re wiser because of them.

Your past only deters and destroys you if you let it. We are all human and we all make mistakes. We’ve all been hurt or have hurt someone else. We’ve all been disappointed or had another disappoint us. We’ve all made decisions that have changed our lives for the worse, but remember…some our worst decisions lead to greater things in the future. Never give up! If you need to apologize and ask someone to forgive you…do it! That’s something you will never regret. Just remember to forgive yourself as well for your faults and mistakes and move forward.

Your past is behind you for a reason. Don’t let it defeat you. Let it strengthen you and make you a better person today…in spite of it all!