Follow up on I’m Sorry You Feel That Way….

I’ve noticed for quite some time that this particular post is viewed on a daily basis by several different individuals…on some days it’s as many as five. It has never been one of my popular posts on WordPress. I was curious as to why my stats show it has been viewed on an almost daily basis since I wrote it over a year ago. So…me being me I decided to Google the words “sorry you feel that way” and there it was…the link to my blog post on page 2 of Google.

I’m not sure why this one post is getting so many views, but I think it’s safe to say several people a day are googling those words because they want to know just what they mean to other people.

Since writing that post I’ve come a long way from the woman I was at that time. The person that was on my mind when I wrote it is now a distant memory.  On the rare occasions that he does cross my mind…I have no feelings at all, good or bad. I know now I never needed anything from him to gain closure and move on. I did it all on my own in my own time. I wrote about the experience from my perspective and how I felt. No one but myself and the other person knows the extent of what was said to cause me to feel the way I did and that’s the way I want it. At the time I cared, but now I see that I don’t need anyone in my life that would make me feel guilty for having feelings or an opinion. I still believe they never meant to hurt me, but to blame me while maintaining his innocence was cowardly. Maybe I’m not completely over that part, but that’s good because it stays as a reminder to be more careful next time.

I am fascinated that people still read it long after I made peace with the situation that caused me to write it. The only comment it received was from someone who said “I think it’s impossible to make anyone feel a certain way. It’s their responsibility to own their own feelings. The phrase is not uncaring or dismissive”.

I will agree that a person should own their own feelings. The commenter did get that part right! I did own my feelings and the part I played in the situation. I know where I failed and what my shortcomings were….and I learned from it. Some of life’s best lessons come from difficult times.

But in my opinion where the commenter got it wrong is here…we’ve all said something to someone that made them feel a certain way that wasn’t good. We all perceive things differently, we all have different personalities, and we all feel things differently. Things said CAN be misinterpreted, but if you said them, you still own them and you should be prepared to answer for them honestly.

So while we have to own our own feelings it doesn’t mean we should be ashamed of how we feel or made to feel like we’re wrong for feeling the way we do. It’s okay to feel, but we are responsible for how we react and respond. In other words, feel it, but don’t make a bad situation worse in the way you interact with others. Feel it but don’t let it control you.

Now having said that, there will always be people in this world that will say all the right things for all the wrong reasons. People lie. They’re deceitful and manipulative. They know what to say to get what they want. They prey on the vulnerable and weak. When it’s time for them to back those words up with action, it’s never their fault. You took it wrong. You misunderstood. You’re too emotional….and they’re very fond of saying “I’m sorry you feel that way.

So while I moved on long ago from my experience, the lesson it taught me remains. Just because I mean what I say and back those words up with action, doesn’t mean everyone else does too. Not everyone has the same heart as I do.  I don’t trust people until they’ve proven to me that I can and I have a wall around me for my protection. It’s not very high because I still try to see the good in everyone, but it’s there nonetheless. 

…and on the occasions that my words or actions hurt someone, I acknowledge their feelings, give them a sincere apology, and do whatever I can to own my part for hurting them. Sometimes that means brutal honesty in the way I feel, but I’ll never make anyone feel bad for the feelings they have. I’ll listen, do my best to understand, and NEVER say “I’m sorry you feel that way”!

Here are a few memes because let’s face it…a lot of people do believe “I’m sorry you feel that way” IS a fake apology.

Thanks for reading and feel free to let me know what you think.. 

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Five Years Later…

Five years ago today, I lost my mom. Not a day goes by that I don’t think about her. To be honest, there are still times when it’s a lonely world without her. However, life goes on and we’ve all learned to move on without her. 

I know I was blessed to have her as my mother. There are times I stop and think to myself…I sound just like my mom…something I swore I’d never do when I was younger by the way. Of course now that I’m older and have a child of my own, I get it. I’m thankful that she set such a great example for our family.

So even though today is a sad day, I choose to smile and look back on all the wonderful memories I have of her. My family and I will cherish those memories and continue to make new ones without her…all the while knowing, she continues to live on through us.

We were hers and she was ours. No passage of time will ever change that. 

We will see her again. She will be waiting on the other side of Heaven’s gates to welcome each and every one of us home!

Memories…

Do you remember the first time you stood on the beach and saw nothing but the ocean extending to the horizon and the waves crashing before you?

Do you remember the first time you saw the mountains rise from a distance and how they seemed to go on forever?

Do you remember your first day of school and not wanting to let go of your mother’s hand? Your last day of school and the excitement of going out into the world for the first time on your own?

Do you remember your first crush? Your first kiss? The first time you fell in love? The first time your heart was broken? The first time you broke someone else’s heart? 

Do you remember the first time you found out you were expecting a child? The first time you heard the baby’s heartbeat? The first ultrasound? The first kick? Seeing your baby for the first time and holding it? Hearing your child’s first cry? The first time they crawled and walked? Hearing their first word?

Do you remember your parents being your heros? Remember a time when they knew everything and then for a season they knew nothing at all? Do you remember the first time you realized how much they really loved you..unconditionally? How much they had done for you and sacrificed for you? Do you remember the first time you realized they wouldn’t be with you forever? Watching them get sick and weak? Watching them take their last breath?

There’s so much emphasis on memories, both good and bad that make us who we are. I love to remember and stay awhile inside my yesterdays. Of course it’s not good to stay there too long or we miss out on the present.

Everything and everyone in your life was once a “first time”.

Today I challenge you to appreciate and see everything and everyone you encounter as is it were the first time.

Really look at that sunrise or sunset. Listen to your children as if it were the first time you heard them speak. See the world around you as if it were the first time. Your home. Your neighborhood. The trees. The birds singing. Your pets. Your parents. Your friends. 

Oh, and don’t forget yourself! Really look at yourself and see who you are, inside and out. Forget the mistakes and heartache. The disappointments. Even the bad experiences and choices have made you who you are. Let it all go and see yourself… not only for who you are now, but for who you can become.

K❤

I March To The Beat Of A Different Drum..

#notmymarch

Don’t include me in your crazy rhetoric. As a woman, this does not represent me. I am not an extremist or a feminist. No one is stealing any of my rights or beliefs. I am not a victim. I am not oppressed. Look to the Middle East and Africa where this is really needed…where the real rape culture is.

Have women been discriminated against? Yes, and it was wrong. It wasn’t corrected by burning bras or wearing offensive hats depicting female genitalia. That discrimination was overcome by the hard work of millions of women. The battle was won by showing the world through our efforts, studying more, and working harder. Actions always speak louder than words.

Mind Thieves…

I lost my mother long before her physical death. It’s like she died twice and I’ve often wondered what would be worse…to be a prisoner of your own mind or a prisoner of your own body?

My mom had Parkinson’s. It started with tremors and in the end her body seemed to turn to stone. In the final stages she couldn’t walk and she couldn’t eat or drink without choking. At her passing she weighed 68 pounds. Long before she became bedridden she struggled to hide what was happening to her body. When she could no longer hide it, she hid from the world because she didn’t want anyone to see her in that condition. She was a proud woman. 

But this post is about Alzheimer’s….

Did she truly have Alzheimer’s? Maybe it was dementia or Lewy Body dementia that sometimes accompanies Parkinson’s disease. We’ll never know for sure. She didn’t want an autopsy and we respected her wishes. Failure to thrive due to Parkinson’s was the official cause of death.

It started subtly at first around the same time she started having tremors and was diagnosed with Parkinson’s. 

She became forgetful as older people sometimes do. She’d laugh at things that were inappropriate and she’d sometimes say things that were out of the norm for her personality. She would repeat the same stories over and over. We learned to act like it was the first time that day we’d heard them. She was easily agitated as well. She knew a piece of the puzzle was missing, but she didn’t know what it was. 

The Alzheimer’s progressed more quickly than the Parkinson’s. She was so confused and it frustrated her immensely. She would often say she could hear a woman calling for help and would become upset that we couldn’t here it, too.  I have no doubt she was hearing what she said she heard.  I believe she was hearing herself, trapped in her own mind, asking us to help her. 

It takes a great deal of patience to care for someone with Alzheimer’s. Sometimes they don’t know who you are or they realize they know you, but can’t figure out how. Sometimes they don’t trust you. They can be combative and mean, but there are good days, too. 

We learned early to never take her far from home. It was too confusing for her and it took her days to “calm” down afterwards. Even taking her to a doctors appointment was a big deal. 

She required many hospital stays for other health problems and this presented its own set of obstacles because in her mind, she needed to be at home. As weak and fragile as she was, she found the strength to try to get out of bed and get out of the hospital at least once every hour.  Due to the Parkinson’s she was a fall risk and someone in the family was with her at all times. We tried to assure her she really needed to be there…which she never believed. The former nurse became a very difficult patient. 

She almost never slept at night and would wander around the house making sure everything was where it was supposed to be. For some reason she always had to know where her keys were even though she didn’t need them anymore. She hid things and would accuse us of stealing them because she couldn’t find them. 

While going through old photo albums after her passing we found that she had cut herself out of most of the pictures. We assumed it’s because she didn’t know who the woman in the photos was with her husband and children. Precious memories gone because Alzheimer’s stole them from her.

As frustrating as it could be sometimes for us, we reminded ourselves that there was no way we could imagine how frustrated she must be feeling. We learned a lot about patience.

I loved my mom so very much and I, nor anyone in our family ever considered it a burden to take care of her. She was ours and there’s nothing you won’t do for those you love. 

If it felt to you like I was complaining at any time during this post, it wasn’t my intent. I’d do it all over again if I had to, only this time I’d know what to expect and might do a few things differently. 

My daughter and I will be walking in the Walk To End Alzheimer’s next month with a friend who’s mother was recently diagnosed with Alzheimer’s. They were the inspiration for this post and we will be there to help them on this journey because again, that’s what you do for those you care about. 

If you’d like to visit my page on the Walk To End Alzheimer’s site, send a request to my email at free2bme27k@gmail.com and I will send you the link. 

It’s hard to put my feelings into words, but if you’ve been in this situation you understand what I’ve tried to say. I’m including a link to a music video and song about Alzheimer’s….sometimes music says what words cannot. 

I Remember…

Dear xxxx,

It’s been awhile since we talked and even longer since I’ve seen you. I hope things are better for you and you found solutions to all the problems that you were facing. I still think of you from time to time and to be honest, part of me will never fully forget you. 

I’ve made no attempts to contact you and I’m very proud of myself for that. You wouldn’t know that though, would you? You probably think it’s because you blocked me from doing so, but you’d be wrong about that. Where there’s a will there’s a way…and I have no will concerning you anymore. Why would I contact you again after you told me you no longer wanted me in your life? I wouldn’t, so your “blocks” weren’t even necessary. I said all I had to say anyway and that was too much. I learned my lesson there the hard way, but I learned.

I do miss hearing from you. I even miss hearing about how terrible your days were at work. 

I miss your voice. I know it was something you didn’t like about yourself, but I liked it. I miss seeing your face and your smile. I thought you were very handsome and loved that you were tall..a great combination. 

 I was happy to know you trusted me enough to share things about your life with me. I wish you had taken the time  to really get to know me. I wish you had given me the chance to say goodbye in person and that I could’ve kissed you one last time. 

I’m sorry I never got to hear about your stay in Thailand. Do you remember me telling you how much I wanted to go there one day? You promised to tell me all about it and the other places you’d been to. I’m certain you had some interesting stories.

This letter is for me…not you. I care enough to know how things turned out for you, but I will never ask. I shouldn’t worry about how you are because you don’t care how I am.

I remember how badly the silence you left me in stung when you disappeared into thin air. Do you remember promising that you would never do that?

I remember the excitement I felt when I would look down at my phone and see that I had a message from you. 

I remember all of the empty promises and unanswered texts. I remember how in the beginning you would message me all day long and how in the end, you would ignore me. I remember all the times you didn’t care, that you didn’t reply, and you left me hanging.

I remember the day I deleted all the messages and photos in an attempt to delete you from my life just as you had done to me. It was hard, but I did it because it’s part of the process of letting go of the past and moving on. 

I remember the day I talked to you on the phone for the first time and how scared I was to answer. There was no reason to be scared…you were very easy to talk to. 

I remember the day I met you for the first time and how excited I was.

I remember convincing myself every time you let me down that it was okay, because it was better to have you somewhat in my life than not at all. 

I remember looking at myself in the mirror picking myself apart wondering why I wasn’t good enough. Other days I’d ask myself what was I thinking to have let you into my life in the first place. I questioned my worth. Was I damaged? Too “crazy”? Did I say something wrong? 

You were always so busy with work. You’d say that you wanted to see me, but you just couldn’t find the time. I understand that was probably true to a certain extent, but I can’t help but wonder if your workload lightened up once I was out of the picture.

I remember how you kept me in limbo. How you would talk about seeing me again and the things we would do together…and then days or weeks later you’d let me know you’d be distant for awhile because you had things to deal with, but you’d be back when things settled down.

A part of me knew you were using me. Did you need an ego boost? When you realized I wasn’t a woman who would just go with the flow…that I would challenge you and question you…when I stopped being convenient and wanted a little attention…is that when you chose to start ghosting me a little bit more each day?

You made me feel safe enough to lower my shield and I shared a part of myself with you that no one else has ever known. You said things that made all of my senses come to life, but my bliss was short lived when you became distant and unsure.

I’ll always remember that you didn’t respect me enough to engage in a conversation when that was the only thing I needed from you. I had a few questions that I wanted answers to and you refused to acknowledge them or me.
I have come to terms with the fact that in your eyes, I wasn’t worth the truth…only broken promises to keep me around and excuses when you wanted me to go.

I remember how awful you made me feel for thinking it was crazy for me to have any feelings at all for you….how you couldn’t understand that after ten months, I cared. What did you think would happen? I never loved you, but I did like you and I did want your friendship if that’s all you had to offer me.

I remember the day I had my biopsy and messaged you while I waited. You didn’t ask why or what was wrong. You didn’t say that you hoped everything turned out okay or even wish me good luck. You didn’t say a single word. You didn’t say anything until months later when I brought it up after swearing to myself I’d never mention it to you again. I didn’t tell you for sympathy. I just wanted you to know. Remember me checking on you several times when you had your health scare?

I’ll never forget you offering to find someone else for me as a replacement for you. Did you think that was the answer to your problem…that it would be something I would want to hear? It was insulting. I wasn’t looking when you found me and I sure as hell don’t need your help or anyone else’s to find someone when I’m ready.

Only you know what your true intentions were, but you are responsible for your words and actions. I’m responsible for the way I let you treat me…that’s all on me. I’m no victim. I made my own decisions and choices and I’ll have to live with them just as you will.

You got what you wanted from me and now you’re running from the past, your words, and your actions. Blocking and ignoring because you didn’t want to deal with me.  Forgetting me and pretending like I never existed. You might as well have just flipped me off, laughed, and yelled “fuck you”. It’s all the same in my eyes.

Do you ever think about me? Was I that easy to forget?

As much as I’d like to forget, I’ll remember every word, every conversation..everything  you said or did because it didn’t have to mean anything, but it had to mean something. Did you forget?

I don’t want your sympathy or anyone else’s. You may not have meant to make me feel any of the things I’ve mentioned, but that’s how I feel and again, that’s on me. I’ll deal with it on my own and I’ll be fine.

I won’t forget you for multiple reasons and you know why. There were a lot of firsts where you are concerned and those are never forgotten, but I won’t dwell on the past any longer.

I want to thank you for making me a stronger person than I was before I met you. I know what I deserve and I’m worthy of being treated with respect. I forgot that for awhile. I will never again be anyone’s option. I deserve to be a priority and from this day forward, I will always remember that.

I wish you all the best, Me❤️