Follow up on I’m Sorry You Feel That Way….

I’ve noticed for quite some time that this particular post is viewed on a daily basis by several different individuals…on some days it’s as many as five. It has never been one of my popular posts on WordPress. I was curious as to why my stats show it has been viewed on an almost daily basis since I wrote it over a year ago. So…me being me I decided to Google the words “sorry you feel that way” and there it was…the link to my blog post on page 2 of Google.

I’m not sure why this one post is getting so many views, but I think it’s safe to say several people a day are googling those words because they want to know just what they mean to other people.

Since writing that post I’ve come a long way from the woman I was at that time. The person that was on my mind when I wrote it is now a distant memory.  On the rare occasions that he does cross my mind…I have no feelings at all, good or bad. I know now I never needed anything from him to gain closure and move on. I did it all on my own in my own time. I wrote about the experience from my perspective and how I felt. No one but myself and the other person knows the extent of what was said to cause me to feel the way I did and that’s the way I want it. At the time I cared, but now I see that I don’t need anyone in my life that would make me feel guilty for having feelings or an opinion. I still believe they never meant to hurt me, but to blame me while maintaining his innocence was cowardly. Maybe I’m not completely over that part, but that’s good because it stays as a reminder to be more careful next time.

I am fascinated that people still read it long after I made peace with the situation that caused me to write it. The only comment it received was from someone who said “I think it’s impossible to make anyone feel a certain way. It’s their responsibility to own their own feelings. The phrase is not uncaring or dismissive”.

I will agree that a person should own their own feelings. The commenter did get that part right! I did own my feelings and the part I played in the situation. I know where I failed and what my shortcomings were….and I learned from it. Some of life’s best lessons come from difficult times.

But in my opinion where the commenter got it wrong is here…we’ve all said something to someone that made them feel a certain way that wasn’t good. We all perceive things differently, we all have different personalities, and we all feel things differently. Things said CAN be misinterpreted, but if you said them, you still own them and you should be prepared to answer for them honestly.

So while we have to own our own feelings it doesn’t mean we should be ashamed of how we feel or made to feel like we’re wrong for feeling the way we do. It’s okay to feel, but we are responsible for how we react and respond. In other words, feel it, but don’t make a bad situation worse in the way you interact with others. Feel it but don’t let it control you.

Now having said that, there will always be people in this world that will say all the right things for all the wrong reasons. People lie. They’re deceitful and manipulative. They know what to say to get what they want. They prey on the vulnerable and weak. When it’s time for them to back those words up with action, it’s never their fault. You took it wrong. You misunderstood. You’re too emotional….and they’re very fond of saying “I’m sorry you feel that way.

So while I moved on long ago from my experience, the lesson it taught me remains. Just because I mean what I say and back those words up with action, doesn’t mean everyone else does too. Not everyone has the same heart as I do.  I don’t trust people until they’ve proven to me that I can and I have a wall around me for my protection. It’s not very high because I still try to see the good in everyone, but it’s there nonetheless. 

…and on the occasions that my words or actions hurt someone, I acknowledge their feelings, give them a sincere apology, and do whatever I can to own my part for hurting them. Sometimes that means brutal honesty in the way I feel, but I’ll never make anyone feel bad for the feelings they have. I’ll listen, do my best to understand, and NEVER say “I’m sorry you feel that way”!

Here are a few memes because let’s face it…a lot of people do believe “I’m sorry you feel that way” IS a fake apology.

Thanks for reading and feel free to let me know what you think.. 

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The Lonely INFJ…


Are INFJs just lonely souls lost between reality and dreams?

I don’t presume to speak for all of us, but we do seem to go through a lot of the same things…or as most of the world would say, we have “issues”.  We walk a lonely path most days, that’s for sure!

Feeling lonely is hard. I’ve felt lonely more times than I care to remember. Some days I want to be out in the world socializing and other days I want to hide away at home. If I become intensely lonely I’ll reach out to a few trusted friends and it does help me feel better to talk about how I feel. The problem is, as much as they care and try to understand how I feel, they don’t get me. Try as they might, they never will. I’ve learned to accept it.

I long to make a connection with someone…someone who understands me. I’ve met many interesting, kind, funny, intelligent, caring people but usually the moment comes when I realize they don’t understand me. IF I decide to show them a small part of who I really am…my different, sincere, quirky side they can become unresponsive or they tolerate it. I realize they aren’t going to be the friend I had hoped they’d be and the alienation and lonliness floods back in. I’ve learned to hold that side of myself back from a lot of people. I don’t know if it’s a failure on my part or that people just can’t relate to me.

In the past month I’ve been told by two close friends that “other people just don’t think like you do” (in regards to a certain man I talk to occasionally and just life in general). That’s the truth and I know it! Others don’t think and feel the same way as I do. I’m willing to do things and go the distance where others aren’t, and they don’t react in the same way as I do because I always feel more…more than I should and I know it.

I have moments where I think “what’s wrong with me”. What is it about me that turns people away? Is it all in my head? Am I being unreasonable in not getting the response from them that I want? Am I too weird, sensitive, intense, serious, boring, hard to understand? Now, not only am I lonely, but I’m insecure.

I know I spend a lot of time inside my head and overthink every little thing that crosses my mind. When I get this way I try to get out and interact with others, but it’s hard because I always have to hide a part of myself, the part that makes me, me. Putting myself in that situation can make me feel even lonlier than I did before. It’s a very lonely feeling that those you care about most don’t understand you and they never really will.

We all yearn for a deep, touch your soul kind of relationship and those are difficult to find regardless of your personality type. 

I know I take thing way too seriously, but I’ve never been a “live in the moment” kind of girl. As hard as I try, I can’t go with the flow and I overthink and over analyze things and situations. I want all the answers even though I know I’ll never get them. We don’t react the same way as other people do and we feel things differently as well.

I was told by my boss not long ago during my evaluation that out of all her employees I was the only one she couldn’t get a read on and figure out. She actually thought I didn’t like her. (I do by the way) Why would she think she could figure me out when I haven’t accomplished it myself! I jokingly told her when she figured me out to let me in on it. She must have thought it was funny because I received a glowing evaluation. 

Anyone who’s an INFJ could answer this for her though. We’re guarded on purpose. We have to be. We want more than anything to be understood, but it rarely happens. The times we’ve opened up to the wrong people is a brutal reminder to keep most things to ourselves.

Dating and meeting new people in regards to romance is a topic in itself! It’s hard enough, but for INFJs, or this one anyway, it’s devastating when you think you’ve made a connection with someone and it doesn’t go anywhere or fizzles out. Maybe it has nothing to do with my personality type. Maybe I’m just meeting the wrong people…people who’s intentions aren’t as sincere as mine. Trust me…I haven’t even begun to show them who I am so if the little I do show them causes them distress, it’s best they run as fast as they can. The sooner the better for both our sakes. 

As much as I’d like to be antisocial and just go off and live in a cave most days, I can’t because I crave human connections. I don’t always fit in and I’m at peace with that. We have gifts and talents that are needed to help others. Even though people hurt us and use us, overall we do make a difference…WE DO COUNT! Most people won’t miss us until we’re gone and I hate to say this, but once we’re gone, there’s no coming back, it’s too late. Whether it’s the infamous INFJ door slam or deciding to keep those people in our lives yet hiding our true selves from them to make them comfortable….we know.

Being lonely and the deafening silence that surrounds that lonliness is for me, one of the bad things about being an INFJ, but as I said above…we do count. We have many other great qualities that make us the unique individuals that we are. 

All that aside, for once in our lives thanks to blogs and the internet, WE ARE NOT ALONE! We have each other right here to talk to. It’s not the same as physical contact, but it sure makes me feel a little less lonely!
K❤️

This INFJ’s Opinion On Morning Greetings…

 
Admittedly, I am not a morning person. It takes me at least an hour or so to warm up to the day.

Upon arriving to work, I’ve been “good morninged” at least 8 times before I even get to my work station. Let me put my things away and organize my thoughts before you start interrogating me about every little thing I’ve done since you last saw me. Yes! For a few of my coworkers, that’s what their good mornings lead into. Then there’s the particularly self centered coworker who talks about herself long after her good morning has been delivered….yet I’m the rude one when I walk away because I have work to do. Sorry. I’m here to work. 

I’m sure some of you will not agree or understand what I’m trying to say here. Why in the world would it bother me or anyone else to be greeted with a “good morning” by your coworkers?

It doesn’t bother me. What bothers me is their reaction to how I respond. When greeted with a “good morning” I generally nod in the direction of the greeter and smile or smile and say hi. Seems reasonable so far…are ya with me?

Most of my coworkers understand that I’m not Little Mary Sunshine right off the bat. It’s nothing personal. It’s just who I am at that time of day. Give me a few hours and I’ll be fine, but some of them just don’t get it.

I’ve been asked soooo many times…what’s wrong…why are you in a bad mood…why are you being rude? I’m not. I’ve acknowledged their good morning, I just didn’t acknowledge it in the way they wanted me to. 

My personal favorite is…why are you so quiet? Well gosh, I don’t know! Why are you so loud? I think we can all agree, that would be rude for me to say. Why isn’t it considered rude for them to question my quietness? 

I actually enjoy silence. I don’t feel the need to fill that silence with endless questions or small talk like some of my coworkers do. I talk to patients all day. I don’t need to have a 10 minute conversation with you about what you had for supper last night while I’m trying to finish up paperwork. If you have something meaningful or important to say, I’m all ears. Don’t talk just because you’re uncomfortable when things get quiet and then try to make me feel like there’s something wrong with me because I don’t participate in mindless chatter with you. Smiling politely and an occasional word or two is all your gonna get from me. 

I guess what I’m trying to say is, I understand and respect my coworkers need for a morning greeting. They’re my friends and I enjoy and want to hear about what’s going on in their lives, but I’d also like my need for silence to be respected. Rest assured, if I have something meaningful to say, I’ll say it. Don’t try to make me feel bad or that there’s something wrong with me because I’m quiet. I’m not being rude. I’m not sad. I’m not depressed. It’s who I am.

Sincerely,

The Grinch Who Steals Morning Greetings❤️

I March To The Beat Of A Different Drum..

#notmymarch

Don’t include me in your crazy rhetoric. As a woman, this does not represent me. I am not an extremist or a feminist. No one is stealing any of my rights or beliefs. I am not a victim. I am not oppressed. Look to the Middle East and Africa where this is really needed…where the real rape culture is.

Have women been discriminated against? Yes, and it was wrong. It wasn’t corrected by burning bras or wearing offensive hats depicting female genitalia. That discrimination was overcome by the hard work of millions of women. The battle was won by showing the world through our efforts, studying more, and working harder. Actions always speak louder than words.

Small Town Life…

I was born in a small town. Just a small town girl, living in a lonely world, waiting on a midnight train going anywhere. Just a few lines from songs by John Cougar and Journey to describe who I am. 

I had big dreams of catching that midnight train and going wherever it would take me, but only ended up settling an hour away from home in the “big city”. Of course if I could go back and do it all over again, I would. The world was a big ol’ place full of adventure. At the time I had no responsibility and yet no courage to venture out. Now that I have the courage to do so, time has also brought about too many responsibilities to just pick up and go. Someday I will!

I miss my hometown, but I’m lucky because it’s only a short drive anytime I get the urge to go for a visit. I find it hard to go back to visit since my mom passed away, but I do go back to visit my dad, sister, aunts, uncles, and cousins. 

This is one of my favorite photos from the small town I come from. It just reminds me of home:

There are many pros and cons for the small town life just as there are for life in the city. 

There’s never a lot to do. Not many places to shop or eat, but it has grown since I lived there. One of the greatest past times as a teen was to “cruise” Main Street in your car and then everyone ended up parking in the church parking lot and hanging out. A short honk as you passed a friend was a way to say “hi”. If you “layed” on the horn as you passed someone, it meant you wanted that person to pull over so you could chat awhile. Sometimes you’d park your car and get in with someone else and keep on cruisin’. A good part of my paycheck as a teen went towards gas money to accommodate all this cruisin’!

It was the kind of town that you waved at everyone you passed while driving because you knew everyone. BUT if it was one of your friends, you crazy waved  as you passed…I mean it was one of your best friends after all!

It was also the kind of town where everyone knew who everyone else was. There wasn’t a lot of privacy and you couldn’t get by with much…gossip or the truth, everyone knew what was going on with you. Sometimes they knew what I’d done before I did! I always knew to tell the truth when I got home if I was asked where I’d been or what I’d done because chances were my parents already knew.

The plus side to this was that if you had a crisis or a death in the family, everyone knew and the whole town was there for you at the drop of a hat. When you had a death in the family, people would come by from all over town and bring a casserole…dessert…tables and counters would be covered with dishes. They’d visit with you and pray with you and you knew you were not alone.

Where I live now people don’t do that. The city is too big. It’s not a close knit community. However, at least in my neighborhood, if something happens I make it a point to visit and do what I can to assist my neighbors.

Here in the city, no one pulls over for funeral processions except those of us who came from small towns. Back home everyone pulled over off the side of the road to show their respect. Men would even get out of their cars, take off their hats, and place them over their hearts. That’s respect! Not only for the person who passed away, but for their families as well.

I for one think the pros of living in a small town outweigh the cons. People always watched out for you and your kids. If you needed help with something, you didn’t even have to ask and no one expected anything in return.  It was a simple way of life and simple was good. 

We all have big dreams no matter where we live or where we come from. We’re always waiting on that midnight train to take us somewhere…”anywhere but here”. And once we get where we’re going and life happens, we usually long for those simpler times of our youth.

I can’t say I’d want to move back and live there, but I can say it’s always nice to “catch that train” and go back home once in awhile. 

No matter where I live, I’ll always be a small town girl at heart. Nothing will ever change that.

I Won’t Be Quiet Any Longer…

The debate set off a firestorm of confused and misleading remarks concerning late term/partial birth abortions in America. 

I am not here to debate anyone or try to change minds. I’m tired of seeing mean spirited, hateful articles on social media about those of us who are against abortion. Many of us believe life begins at conception. We aren’t uneducated. We aren’t ignorant. We aren’t deluded. We have a different opinion than some of you reading this and I respect your right to disagree with me. There was a time in my life long ago that I shared your opinion, but I no longer do.

You can continue to ridicule us for our Christian beliefs. It’s no surprise to us…the Bible tells us to expect it. 

Regarding the argument that it’s a woman’s body and she has a right to decide what to do with it? A woman’s body does not have four eyes, four arms, four legs, and two beating hearts. She’s making a choice for another human being who has no voice.

As many of us who work in health care can attest to….we’ve witnessed many premature babies go on to lead productive lives. Most were wanted. A few were abandoned. Many had birth defects that would have made them a “candidate” for abortion if their mother had chosen that option. The majority of them defied the odds and are grown adults today. I wonder where they would stand on the issue of abortion?

** I usually stay away from politics here and on Facebook, but I felt I had to speak up at least once on this issue.

Life In The Single Lane…

I’m back on track to what I intended to write about last week. I’m glad I wrote “It’s The End Of A Chapter, Not The Book.” Sometimes the unplanned writings turn out okay.  I suppose I could have titled it “To Infinity And Beyond…Part 3”, but I only thought of that just now.

Thank you to everyone who read it. The comments that were left were very kind and much appreciated. 

Life in the single lane?  I’m in no rush to get back into the dating scene. I have no desire to be in a relationship or date anyone seriously at this time because I choose to just be me for awhile. I love it! There’s no drama. No compromising. No unfulfilled expectations.

I’ve been divorced for over a year and a half. I’ve been on a handful of dates with some nice men and a few not so nice men, but no one that I’m interested in seeing more than once. I’m just very particular and that’s a good thing as far as I’m concerned. 

There is one gentleman that I go to dinner or to the movies with occasionally, but just as friends. It’s platonic and it’s nice. There’s no pressure or drama to deal with and it’s a good way to ease myself into learning how to interact with other men after being married for 16 years.

After my divorce I didn’t know who I was anymore. I wasn’t the woman I was before I married and I wasn’t the woman I was while I was married. It didn’t freak me out or scare me to realize this. To know that I could just be me and do what I wanted, when I wanted, was exciting. 

My daughter is the main priority in my life right now. She’s another reason I’m in no hurry to be in a relationship. She’s just starting to date and she’s going to need my expertise to guide her in the right direction. Pray for me by the way! My focus is on her. Finding men to date is not a priority. I have friends who are “lost” if they’re not in a relationship, but that’s not me or something I even understand.

I have learned that the dating scene hasn’t changed all that much since my dating days before I was married. This isn’t an “I hate men” part of the post. I love men and there are a lot of great guys out there, but there are still players, men who will use you, and men who will say whatever needed to gain your favor. 

My ex husband had some serious issues, so presently I’m very cautious and not as trusting as I once was. Since my divorce, there was one man I began to slowly trust. I threw caution to the wind, but that didn’t work out too well for me. Live and learn!

And now there’s “ghosting”,benching“, and the latest term I read about recently, “zombieing”! In the old days it was called…”I’m just not that into you, but I’ll keep you around just in case”. 

I blame a big part of these new relationship trends on technology and the way people meet and interact with one another. You can “meet” someone instantly with the click of a button. That makes it really easy to pull a “Houdini” on someone and disappear just as quickly, with no thought or remorse about how it makes the other person feel. 

I could write an entire post on the messages I receive through the games I play on my phone. It’s crazy that people think I’ll just give up my phone number or access to my Facebook simply because they ask and want it. Uh…NO!!! I’m a private person outside of the blogosphere, but even if I wasn’t, I’d never consider giving out any of my info to a stranger. The only person I ever gave that info to was “Buzz” and that was after months of talking to him and getting to know him.

Ok, this post is getting longer than I wanted and I’m getting off track again, so I might write more another time if people show interest in it. If not, I’ll probably still continue with the topic! It’s my blog after all! Lol

In the meantime, I’ll just keep figuring out who I am and continue to be me. 

https://free2bme27.wordpress.com/2016/09/30/its-the-end-of-a-chapter-not-the-book/

This is the spontaneous post that sidetracked me last week. If you’re interested in reading please click on the link above.🙋🏻