I’ve been divorced for close to a year and a half, but this post isn’t about my divorce. This post is about a topic I told myself I’d never write about again.
I had planned to write about life in the single lane and I will next week. People tell me all the time, “you need to put yourself out there.” I have several well meaning friends who are always trying to set me up with someone they know. I go with no expectations and so far I’ve met some nice guys, but no connection. No “spark.” I have made a few new friendships along the way, so that’s a plus.
Let me get back to today’s topic….
If you’ve read my blog you know who “Buzz” is. We met online, talked for awhile, met in person…ten months total from beginning to end. He was a nice guy. I liked him and felt a connection…enough so that even if the things we talked about didn’t work out, his friendship would have been enough. I’m not really sure what he felt.
He lost interest and wanted space so I gave it to him….to infinity and beyond. That’s why I call him “Buzz.” I was vulnerable and emotional at the time and acted a little needy which only made things worse. We all make mistakes! Thank goodness I’ve got my head on straight now.
Fast forward to the beginning of last month. I never expected to hear from him again. After a significant amount of time had passed with no word from him, I received a message out of the blue. He wanted to talk to me. I was out of town so I wasn’t available. After the last interaction I had with him, I swore to myself I’d never ask that man another question…and yet I did.
I asked what he wanted to talk about. He wanted to come by in person to apologize and explain himself. I agreed and he said he’d let me know when, but it would definitely be one of the two days that I was off work the following week.
That’s the last I heard from him.
I have no idea what happened. I assume that whatever it was he had to say wasn’t that important after all and he changed his mind. Of course I do wonder what he would have said if he had come by, but I’m not losing any sleep over it either.
I’m sure some of you reading this are wondering why I didn’t message him to see why he didn’t follow through with his plans. The old me probably would have. The new me though….no way!
He contacted me. I was willing to listen, but it wasn’t my idea this time. It was his. And because many months ago he asked me to give him space and not contact him…that’s what I will continue to do. The fact that he finally wanted to talk doesn’t change that.
There was a time I would have given anything for him to come by and talk to me in person after he ended it, but time has a way of changing things. Closure? I looked within myself and made my own.
Hell can freeze over and pigs could fly before I would ever contact him first. I’m not saying that to be mean or because I’m angry. I’m not. It’s just who I am. Perhaps it has something to do with the ol’ INFJ door slam.
I’m sure he has his reasons for not following through and I accept it. I don’t need to know what they are. As far as what it was he wanted to say…I guess it will have to remain a mystery. I’d like to know, but I’ll never ask.
My intentions today were not to write a post about him. My thoughts went there because while out running errands, I saw someone who looked like him. Maybe it was him. Maybe it wasn’t. I don’t know because I turned and went in the opposite direction.
If nothing else, I think this post shows how I’ve changed and grown emotionally this past year. I’ve definitely learned that if you have to ask for someone’s attention, it doesn’t mean anything and it’s not worth having. That’s another reason I won’t ask him what he wanted to say. He has to choose to tell me because he wants to. If I have to ask, it’s not worth knowing.
As I’ve said before…I wish things could have been different. He’s a great guy and I’m glad I got to know him.
He’s part of my story, but he’s only a short chapter and I have many more waiting to be written.
**Life is like a book. Chapters end, but the book goes on. The end of one chapter becomes the beginning of another.
I Remember… – free2bme27