You have to accept loss. You have to accept it was never really what you thought it was.
I don’t really think about him much anymore, but there are days he crosses my mind. Sometimes it’s a word, a song lyric…insignificant little things that remind me of someone I’ve tried so hard to forget.
After things ended I did a lot of thinking and wondering about why this particular relationship was so hard to get over. I’d been hurt before. I’ve had others end relationships and I’ve been the one to end them as well. I’ve been through many things in the past, but none of them made me feel quite like this one did.
For some reason I was stuck. I felt bad for myself. I blamed myself. What was wrong with me? Why wasn’t I enough? What could I have done different? I tortured myself with blame. I made myself feel weak, small, and unworthy. I spent so much time in my head trying to find answers to the unknown.
As the months passed, I gave up trying to figure out what was going on in his mind and put that effort into working on myself.
I’ve learned a lot. Maybe the whole relationship was toxic and that’s why it was so hard to get over it. I’m sure he’d deny it was a relationship at all, but for me it was. If he were to look up the definition of relationship, he wouldn’t be able to deny it. I’d always ended things on good terms with almost everyone I’d been involved with. Even my marriage, which was toxic in it’s entirety, ended in an amicable divorce and I get along with him now for the sake of our daughter.
….but this thing with him. It was exhausting at times. Clarity and security just weren’t there. There was always a part of me that wondered when this person would just decide to disappear without saying a single word. I “fought” for what I wanted, but I was never going to get it. No matter how hard I tried it was never going to happen. No matter how badly I wanted things to change they weren’t going to. I tried so hard in the end that I forgot who I was. I lost my dignity and self respect.
When he ended it I felt defeated. I was at a loss and felt that I had failed. All of the effort I’d put into those ten months of my life felt like a complete waste. The last few months before it ended, I tried to force something with him that never stood a chance to begin with. Towards the end all I did was try and in the end I lost.
At the end I was vulnerable due to a health crisis and it caused me to react to him in a way that I normally wouldn’t have. However, it’s no excuse for the way I acted. I should have had better control of my emotions. I realize now that even if I had, it wouldn’t have changed the outcome. It was toxic for many reasons and now that I’ve had time to process everything, I can see it for what it was.
That’s why toxic relationships are hard to get over. Accepting your defeat. In the end you realize you aren’t as crazy as you thought you were. You finally understand that even though you were part of the problem, you weren’t the only one….they were, too.
**I’d like to add that this post is about what I’ve discovered about myself these past few months. It’s not so much about him as it is about me. What he did wrong is on him and he’ll have to figure that out for himself. I tried to focus on my faults. Ultimately I’m responsible for my choices and decisions regardless of the situation or circumstances. I own my mistakes and I place no blame on him.
I no longer feel like I need answers. I’ve found my dignity and self respect again. I never really lost them…I just misplaced them for awhile. When he does cross my mind I will remember him fondly. I learned a valuable lesson from knowing him and I believe it’s made me a better person.
I always knew in my heart that what we started wouldn’t really go anywhere, but I sincerely thought that the friendship would always be there no matter what else happened. He said he wanted to remain friends and I will always welcome his friendship if he should choose to give it, but I no longer hold out any hope that he will. Time has a way of making you see things for what they really were. Time changes things…