I’m certain we’ve all had a situation where we wanted to say goodbye, but we never got the chance. The goodbye may be related to a place, a friendship, a relationship, or a family member.
I believe it’s important in life to conclude things properly. It makes letting go easier. Otherwise you’re left with words you never got to say and your heart can be heavy with remorse. Unfortunately, whatever the reason may be, it’s one of those sad realities in life…you don’t always get to say goodbye.
I’ve done a lot of soul searching recently on why not being able to say goodbye to a certain someone affected me the way it did. I haven’t always been like this, so why now? It’s important to mention that I’m not obsessing over it. I’ve accepted I’ll never get my goodbye with this person and that’s okay. I’d be lying if I said it doesn’t matter to me anymore because it does, but it’s part of life. You don’t alway get what you want so you move on without it.
This post isn’t about him though. It’s about self discovery and why did I feel so strongly in this situation when I’ve never felt like this before? I’ve encountered people who were important to me in the past that I didn’t get to say goodbye to. Some of them I’ve never spoken to again. Most of them I’ve reconnected with. The goodbye I never got didn’t matter because it led to a new hello later on.
Here’s why I think that goodbye was so important to me….
When my grandmother passed away I didn’t get to tell her goodbye. I had sat with her in the hospital so many times. Every time they sent her home she wasn’t expected to live very long, but she was a strong woman and proved them wrong many times. After her last hospital stay she was released on a Tuesday. I planned to spend the day with her on Friday, however she passed away that Thursday night in her sleep. I could have went home on Thursday, but I didn’t. She asked about each and every one of her children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren before she went to sleep that night. She knew. I thought I had time. I didn’t.
When my mother passed away she didn’t know who we were. She had Parkinson’s and Alzheimer’s. I loved my mother more than anything, but I didn’t always tell her how much I loved her before she got sick. You always think you have time, but you don’t. I told her everything I needed to on her deathbed and I’ll never know for sure that she understood or that she even knew who I was. I did get my goodbye with my mom, but all the things I said to her should have been said long before that last day. Don’t ever wait. You never know what the future holds so tell your parents how much you love them every chance you get. I wrote an in depth post about it a few months ago if you’d like to read it. https://free2bme27.wordpress.com/2016/04/16/to-my-mom-in-heaven/
My daughters friend/first boyfriend committed suicide. They were just friends at the time. This kid was at my house all the time and I had no idea how depressed he was. He never showed any signs and always seemed so happy when he was with us. He was a great kid. They had a disagreement and when he left for the last time on a Sunday night, he didn’t come find me and tell me goodbye like he always did. That was the last time I saw him. He started dating a new girl. My daughter wanted to text him just to say hello, but I told her no and that if he wanted to talk he’d text her or come by. A month later he committed suicide by laying down on the train tracks and was run over by a train. He was so depressed he felt this was his only way out. We said goodbye to him at a closed casket funeral service. I’ve often asked myself if I had only known….was there anything I could have said or done to help this precious boy.
I had a health scare a few weeks later around the same time things started going south with “Buzz”. I still need to have follow up tests every six months to keep an eye on things. This caused me to react to things going on with him in ways I wouldn’t normally have done because I wasn’t sure what my prognosis would be. With the remaining follow up appointments in my future that prognosis can always change.
This is a lot of personal information and it’s hard to share some of it, but I do believe it has given me insight into why I feel like I need to be able to say what I need to say and gain closure and say goodbye when possible. I’ve always been someone who keeps their feelings hidden and doesn’t say what’s on their mind. It’s just the way I was raised.
Because of the circumstances I’ve mentioned and the fact that I’m getting older, I just don’t hold things in anymore. Thats the conclusion I’ve come to regarding my need to say goodbye. It may not make sense to anyone else, but it makes sense to me.