I Remember…

Dear xxxx,

It’s been awhile since we talked and even longer since I’ve seen you. I hope things are better for you and you found solutions to all the problems that you were facing. I still think of you from time to time and to be honest, part of me will never fully forget you. 

I’ve made no attempts to contact you and I’m very proud of myself for that. You wouldn’t know that though, would you? You probably think it’s because you blocked me from doing so, but you’d be wrong about that. Where there’s a will there’s a way…and I have no will concerning you anymore. Why would I contact you again after you told me you no longer wanted me in your life? I wouldn’t, so your “blocks” weren’t even necessary. I said all I had to say anyway and that was too much. I learned my lesson there the hard way, but I learned.

I do miss hearing from you. I even miss hearing about how terrible your days were at work. 

I miss your voice. I know it was something you didn’t like about yourself, but I liked it. I miss seeing your face and your smile. I thought you were very handsome and loved that you were tall..a great combination. 

 I was happy to know you trusted me enough to share things about your life with me. I wish you had taken the time  to really get to know me. I wish you had given me the chance to say goodbye in person and that I could’ve kissed you one last time. 

I’m sorry I never got to hear about your stay in Thailand. Do you remember me telling you how much I wanted to go there one day? You promised to tell me all about it and the other places you’d been to. I’m certain you had some interesting stories.

This letter is for me…not you. I care enough to know how things turned out for you, but I will never ask. I shouldn’t worry about how you are because you don’t care how I am.

I remember how badly the silence you left me in stung when you disappeared into thin air. Do you remember promising that you would never do that?

I remember the excitement I felt when I would look down at my phone and see that I had a message from you. 

I remember all of the empty promises and unanswered texts. I remember how in the beginning you would message me all day long and how in the end, you would ignore me. I remember all the times you didn’t care, that you didn’t reply, and you left me hanging.

I remember the day I deleted all the messages and photos in an attempt to delete you from my life just as you had done to me. It was hard, but I did it because it’s part of the process of letting go of the past and moving on. 

I remember the day I talked to you on the phone for the first time and how scared I was to answer. There was no reason to be scared…you were very easy to talk to. 

I remember the day I met you for the first time and how excited I was.

I remember convincing myself every time you let me down that it was okay, because it was better to have you somewhat in my life than not at all. 

I remember looking at myself in the mirror picking myself apart wondering why I wasn’t good enough. Other days I’d ask myself what was I thinking to have let you into my life in the first place. I questioned my worth. Was I damaged? Too “crazy”? Did I say something wrong? 

You were always so busy with work. You’d say that you wanted to see me, but you just couldn’t find the time. I understand that was probably true to a certain extent, but I can’t help but wonder if your workload lightened up once I was out of the picture.

I remember how you kept me in limbo. How you would talk about seeing me again and the things we would do together…and then days or weeks later you’d let me know you’d be distant for awhile because you had things to deal with, but you’d be back when things settled down.

A part of me knew you were using me. Did you need an ego boost? When you realized I wasn’t a woman who would just go with the flow…that I would challenge you and question you…when I stopped being convenient and wanted a little attention…is that when you chose to start ghosting me a little bit more each day?

You made me feel safe enough to lower my shield and I shared a part of myself with you that no one else has ever known. You said things that made all of my senses come to life, but my bliss was short lived when you became distant and unsure.

I’ll always remember that you didn’t respect me enough to engage in a conversation when that was the only thing I needed from you. I had a few questions that I wanted answers to and you refused to acknowledge them or me.
I have come to terms with the fact that in your eyes, I wasn’t worth the truth…only broken promises to keep me around and excuses when you wanted me to go.

I remember how awful you made me feel for thinking it was crazy for me to have any feelings at all for you….how you couldn’t understand that after ten months, I cared. What did you think would happen? I never loved you, but I did like you and I did want your friendship if that’s all you had to offer me.

I remember the day I had my biopsy and messaged you while I waited. You didn’t ask why or what was wrong. You didn’t say that you hoped everything turned out okay or even wish me good luck. You didn’t say a single word. You didn’t say anything until months later when I brought it up after swearing to myself I’d never mention it to you again. I didn’t tell you for sympathy. I just wanted you to know. Remember me checking on you several times when you had your health scare?

I’ll never forget you offering to find someone else for me as a replacement for you. Did you think that was the answer to your problem…that it would be something I would want to hear? It was insulting. I wasn’t looking when you found me and I sure as hell don’t need your help or anyone else’s to find someone when I’m ready.

Only you know what your true intentions were, but you are responsible for your words and actions. I’m responsible for the way I let you treat me…that’s all on me. I’m no victim. I made my own decisions and choices and I’ll have to live with them just as you will.

You got what you wanted from me and now you’re running from the past, your words, and your actions. Blocking and ignoring because you didn’t want to deal with me.  Forgetting me and pretending like I never existed. You might as well have just flipped me off, laughed, and yelled “fuck you”. It’s all the same in my eyes.

Do you ever think about me? Was I that easy to forget?

As much as I’d like to forget, I’ll remember every word, every conversation..everything  you said or did because it didn’t have to mean anything, but it had to mean something. Did you forget?

I don’t want your sympathy or anyone else’s. You may not have meant to make me feel any of the things I’ve mentioned, but that’s how I feel and again, that’s on me. I’ll deal with it on my own and I’ll be fine.

I won’t forget you for multiple reasons and you know why. There were a lot of firsts where you are concerned and those are never forgotten, but I won’t dwell on the past any longer.

I want to thank you for making me a stronger person than I was before I met you. I know what I deserve and I’m worthy of being treated with respect. I forgot that for awhile. I will never again be anyone’s option. I deserve to be a priority and from this day forward, I will always remember that.

I wish you all the best, Me❤️

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6 thoughts on “I Remember…

  1. This is definitely one of the most sincere articles I’ve read in all of WP.

    I can totally relate to everything that you wrote from the top to bottom and I certainly can understand what you’re feeling. My ex-gf blocked me as well and she didn’t tell me. Imagine the shock when I found out lol but as much as the times we had in the past were awesome and we don’t have that period happening in the “Now”?
    I didn’t regret the times we’ve spent together! Sure I may feel the effects from time to time (Missing her, damn it brain) but there will come the times when you realized that if the breakup didn’t happen, we’d probably wouldn’t be who we are right now and usually, we are better people than before.

    The times we spent together were all amazing moments and definitely one of the most beautiful parts of my life to date. When my friends asked me if I ever felt like I’ve wasted my time, I said to them “No, it wasn’t wasted because the money, time and effort spent back then on her, for her, were all for us both, the experiences we had are now memories for me to cherish for life so no, I wholeheartedly feel that it’s not wasted”

    Still, I can’t believe I’ve managed to claw my way out of the deep deep hole of depression that I was in after the breakup of the 4 years, long distance relationship. Pretty proud of myself 🙂

    I hope you are feeling better bud! If you ever feel the negative feelings coming back?
    Feel free to write to me via doubleyourpresene@gmail.com
    I’d love to be of help if necessary. It’s never good to be trapped in the past and definitely awesome to have support groups/friends!

    A truly heartfelt article. Keep the faith and let’s talk again bud!

    Your pal,
    Benjamin
    http://www.projectbiy.com

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I’m so happy you were able to relate and that you’re doing well…I’m proud of you too!

      Your comment means so much to me. This post came from my heart. Thank you for sharing a part of your experience.

      I agree…we come out better on the other side and letting go and moving on doesn’t mean you have to completely forget or stop caring.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Exactly. For one, you were a part of his life and that fact can never be denied.
        Then it all boils down to the word “Were”- Gotta accept the loss and move on. You’ll get through this bud, stay strong!

        Reach out to people for support, especially those in this community- That’ll never go wrong!

        After all, I do know people who got ABSOLUTELY ZERO support from anyone in their life outside of the internet because their environment is just that bad where there’s only gang violence coupled with bad family history and condition.

        We were lucky to have met on this community and became friends. This is actually an exact prime example of the reason why I want to create the community that I’m starting lol so feel free to get involved if you want to 😉

        Either way, as Bon Jovi and Journey sang respectively:

        Keep the faith and don’t stop believing!

        Your pal,
        Benjamin
        http://www.projectbiy.com

        Liked by 1 person

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