The Green Eyed Monster….

Jealousy….

“I don’t have a jealous bone in my body”…an idiom used to communicate a person doesn’t feel jealousy.

I’m sure I’ve experienced jealousy or envy in some form at some point in my life, but overall, I’m not a jealous person.

If you buy a new house or car, I’m happy for you. Invite me over or take me for a ride, but it won’t make me feel that what I have is any less. I’m thankful for what I have! When you go on your dream vacation? Send me a post card and bring me back a souvenir. I’m excited for you and can’t wait to see your photos and hear all about it!

If you get a promotion at work or a raise…again, I’m happy for you. You’ve worked hard and deserve it! It doesn’t matter to me that you make more money than I do. I’ve never understood that way of thinking. I don’t care if you have more vacation time than I do or how you use it. It doesn’t bother me if you get to leave early from work or why. All real situations I’ve seen in my workplace that make me shake my head in disbelief. As long as I have a place to live, a vehicle that gets me where I need to go, food on the table, can pay my bills, and have a little extra for some fun, I’m doing good!

I’ve had conversations with people over the years and they seem frustrated that I don’t understand how they feel or why they’re jealous. Their usual response to me is, doesn’t/wouldn’t that bother you? No, it wouldn’t. I can empathize, but I can’t say I’d feel the same way.

My ex husband would try to make me jealous on purpose. He had the mindset that if I wasn’t jealous, I didn’t care. His jealousy though….oh my! It drove me crazy the things he could come up with over nothing.

I have a friend who gets angry if her husband even dares to say his favorite celebrity is pretty. Really? There are some really attractive famous people in the world. How could you not notice?!?

The closest I come to jealousy is if a person rejects me for someone else. It’s not that I’m jealous in the traditional sense. I don’t hate the other person or have any bad feelings towards them. It stems from MY insecurities and feeling that I’m not good enough, pretty enough, too much of one thing, not enough of another. My insecurities become thoughts of, what do they have that I don’t?

….and there it is! The green eyed monster! Jealousy takes on many forms and in my case it takes the form of me feeling that I’m not good enough. I’m not wanted because there’s someone better…and they have something that I don’t and that’s why I’m rejected.

I’m pretty self assured in all areas of my life except when it comes to being rejected. I feel like I can accomplish anything, but when someone doesn’t “want” me, I automatically think there’s something wrong with me. It’s hard for me to admit I can feel this way because deep down I know it’s not how things really are. The lies we tell ourselves when we think we aren’t good enough….

If I said all the things to my best friend that I say to myself, they wouldn’t stick around. It’s time for me to stop bullying myself and be my own best friend instead of my worst enemy. I have my faith and when I feel insecure, I pray. I’m reminded that I’m a child of the one true King and that alone means I have worth.

Fighting your insecurities is a tough battle to win, but I’m prepared to give it my all because I’m worth it. In regards to jealousy, I do experience it once in awhile after all. Not in the way most people think of jealousy, but it’s there in my thoughts about myself.

As far as the successes of my family, friends, coworkers, and acquaintances…I’ll never be jealous of your success or accomplishments. I’m happy for you! I hope we all make it!!

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