To Infinity and Beyond…..Part 2
For me, one of the hardest things in life is learning to let go. I confessed in my last post that I’m an over thinker from way back. A friend of mine has told me, I buy trouble. It’s true. In certain situations, I make my own storms.
I met someone. I spent ten months interacting with him on a regular basis. He’d come and go once in awhile, but always with the reassurance that he’d be back. When I began to question things, he pulled away. In some ways I guess I forced him to make a decision. One he would have made sooner or later.
Over the phone, while he was at work, he gave me what seemed like a gazillion excuses as to why it was for the best to end things. He said he was confused and could understand my confusion because he would say one thing one day and something totally opposite the next. I usually never let anyone know they have made me cry, but in this case, I couldn’t help but shed a few tears. We weren’t face to to face, but he could tell. Unfortunately, his response to this was, “your reaction freaks me out”. Really? By his own admission, he’d been freaking out about things going on in his life and retreating into his own little world, long before I questioned any of his motives.
I’d like to say I didn’t try to change his mind, but I did. I asked him to reconsider and he said he would. I comfort myself by saying I may have sounded pathetic, but his excuses were equally as pathetic. I asked him for a face to face meeting to gain closure and say goodbye, knowing it would never happen. He ended the call with, “maybe I’m overthinking things. Just relax and don’t freak out”.
I asked permission shortly after to send him a letter via text. He said I could send it. I asked if he had reconsidered. He still thought it was for the best. At this point, I thought so as well. He read the letter, but never acknowledged it. I sent two messages that were ignored. No longer was I sad. I was mad! I just had a few things I wanted to say. Why was it so hard for him to understand that? Did I mention I’m stubborn?!
This next part, I’m not proud of…AT ALL! I’m not gonna beat myself up over it though because we all do things in the heat of the moment we aren’t proud of. We’ve all been there one way or another.
I took to Facebook only to find out I was blocked. Temporary insanity took over and I made a second Facebook page so that I could send a message. My thoughts at the time were, how dare you make me look like a fool. I said what I felt, not expecting a reply and told him not to bother blocking the second account because I’d be deactivating it after I made my point. Before I could do so, I received a response.
He blocked me because he needed a little space and the messages freaked him out. They really freaked him out. He’d hoped he could get a little space and cool off his overthinking brain and relax into a more comfortable place, but I wouldn’t let him. He asked me to chill, that he wanted to be friends, and when things calmed down he’d be back to say hello. He knew I didn’t mean any ill will, but I’d gone overboard. He thought the point was clear. Please give him some time and space.
Finally an honest, real response! Set some boundaries in the beginning and I won’t cross them. You can’t tell me anything goes and then change your mind and not let me in on it.
I came to my senses quickly after that. I did deactivate the second account and have not made any effort to contact him at all. I have no expectations of hearing from him, but time will tell if he meant what he said.
All I ever asked for in the beginning was honesty and that if things didn’t work out that we could remain friends. He agreed. When it didn’t work out, I only wanted a chance to meet in person to talk. He didn’t owe me anything, but I felt a short meeting wasn’t too much to ask for. He knew he could trust me. He knew I wouldn’t try to play games or manipulate him. At least I think he did. I will not contact him now that he has made his feelings known. I will respect his wishes. There was no passive aggressive behavior or back and forth uncertainty in that message. It was how he felt and I can accept and respect that.
I truly regret any turmoil or drama that I caused him. It was never my intention. My intention was to only know where things stood and it got out of hand. That’s why communication between people is so important. He openly admitted during his phone call that he sucked at communicating. So much of this could have been avoided if he had been willing to share how he felt. I’m grateful for the opportunity to have known him and if I never hear from him again, I wish him the best.
Sometimes, you don’t get closure the way you want. More times than not, we have to make our own. I know I have by writing these two posts for my blog. I’m sure it would freak him out knowing he’s the inspiration for my posts, but looking back, everything seemed to freak him out. Even a woman he was involved with for ten months who dared to express her opinion and feelings. He doesn’t have to worry though. I’d never reveal his identity. There’s a lot to the story that is just between he and I, and it will stay that way. Always. We all have our demons and I don’t know what his are or what he’s dealt with in life, so I place no blame. I’m sure he meant no ill will towards me, just as I meant none towards him.
I’m reminded of a saying I’ve heard many times and I wish I had acted on it sooner….never miss an opportunity to make someone happy, even if you have to leave them alone to do it.
If he should ever read this, you asked for space and time. You’ve got it Buzz. To infinity and beyond….