To Infinity and Beyond…..Part 1
I know who I am and what I bring to the table. I will also let you know up front I don’t play games and I’m not into wasting my time. What you see, is what you get. I don’t let many people in, so if I let you in, I obviously see something I value in you.
In this particular instance, it has to do with a man. A man I met online. Risky behavior…yes, I know. You never know for sure what is real and what is fantasy. In this case it was intended to carry over into the real world, and eventually it did.
I made sure I asked all the right questions and that I was satisfied with his answers. Once I was certain he was serious, I made sure to let him know up front that I could be “wanty” if I felt uncertain about something and he said he understood. I’m not needy, because I didn’t need him. “Wanty” is different. If I’m going to get involved with you, I want to know what you’re thinking. That way I know how to react to your behavior and can set my own boundaries. I’ve never been good at reading between the lines. If you have no problem with it in the beginning, it stands to reason that as time goes on, if you’re being honest with me, you won’t have a problem with it later on. Right? Nope!
I put off a real life meeting for many months due to his life circumstances and to make sure he wasn’t playing games. He may have done the same thing as well, but anytime he suggested dropping by, I wasn’t available. I wanted to be sure he was sincere about the situation.
Looking back, I don’t think he knew what he really wanted. He could be passive aggressive…back and forth. He always returned and I was invested by then so I ignored the signs. I let him reach out to me first. If he wanted to talk to me, it had to be his choice. I wish I could say I behaved this way until the end, but I didn’t.
After five months, we did finally meet and I thought it went well. I felt we made a real life connection to replace the online connection. He said he was attracted to me and wanted to see me again, and I felt the same way. Maybe I was fooling myself, but I was content with the situation…for awhile. As time went on, something seemed off.
He had some circumstances in his life that were far from ideal for our situation, but as I trusted him, I ignored the warning signals going off in my head. Still, I began to overthink Every. Little. Thing. In hindsight, I should have kept things on a friendship level, or just stayed away from the start.
I know enough about myself to know I can get emotionally involved fairly easy. This situation was no different. I did my best to play it cool, but I hate to be taken for a ride, and I’ll always speak up if I feel that’s the case. Because I’m an over thinker, I convinced myself that’s what was going on. Or was it? Over thinkers create problems that aren’t even there sometimes.
Did I give it time and let him work through whatever was going on in his mind and life and wait to see if he came back around like he did in the past? I wish I could say that I had, but alas, overthinking wins again.
Just because I was willing to talk it out, didn’t mean he was. Of course, the more questions I asked, the further he pulled away, yet I couldn’t stop myself. I did try, but I always gave in and acted upon my thoughts emotionally. For the record…this has taught me I need to work on that, and I always own my mistakes. He always offered hope though, told me he still wanted to see me again, and asked me to relax and not overthink while he dealt with the things going on in his life.
Maybe I sabotaged myself like so many of us do. Maybe he never meant anything he said. Maybe he had more going on than he admitted to. Maybe he didn’t know what he wanted. Maybe he was playing me all along. Maybe he got in deeper than he planned and didn’t know what to do. Maybe he meant exactly what he said.
Because of my impatience, I’ll probably never know for sure. I’ve always been told that men are simple. If you have a question, just ask. They will almost always give you an honest answer. My advice…don’t second guess. Don’t overthink. Accept what they tell you as truth and move on with your dignity and self respect intact. They may come back later after they figure things out. If nothing else, they know they have a friend they can count on. However, if you never hear from them again, well….silently wish them well and do what you need to do to move on.
Most importantly….never blame yourself completely. You had a partner in this and if they value the friendship/relationship they’ll accept responsibility for the things they could have done differently, just as we should. Life is almost never black and white and it stands to reason, the answers to life’s questions aren’t either.
We’re all a mess in some area of our lives. We all have positive qualities and negative qualities. They make us who we are. Focus on the positive and work on the negative. Most people don’t intentionally mean to hurt one another. In my case, I was too wanty and it ended up being too much after all. Just try to remember, we’re all doing the best we can.
….but there’s more to the story. There always is. Stay tuned if you’d like to hear more. I hope this helps someone else who might be in a similar situation. We all make mistakes and it helps to know, we aren’t alone.